It's amazing how many moods you can be in in one day.
I miss being distracted. I'm the deer that never gets caught in the headlights. Fully aware of his surroundings. Deer are beautiful animals. I need something to do.
I find that no matter what most things that i want to do, even the simplest of things, are held back by a lack of twenty dollars.
I miss when i was fifteen and the internet was a never ending stream of new information. Now i get bored after checking social networks and watching a few youtube videos.
I would love to skate right now. Or just drive somewhere. No destination. But without coin, i can only dream and type these things out.
I honestly hate video gamers. Sorry, but go the fuck outside and stop paying $60 for a disc. No offense to any of my gamer friends, but fuck. Come on.
I think im going to die of a brain aneurysm or stroke. Something random like that. I cracked my skull once and things haven't been the same. Not for the better or worse, though.
Here's some romantic shit i came up with a couple of months ago:
" A bad man will cross a woman's line.
A good man will wait for permission.
A great man will make her forget why
there was a line to begin with."
- Corey Copeland
CHEESY HALLMARK SHIT.
Just came to me one day.
I think i'll have a glass of wine and call it a day.
Stay classy, San Diego.
..i'm Ron Burgundy?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Well if it isn't a ramble..
So i write and i write and i write and i smoke and i drink and i think. and all of these things are a vicious little habitual circle that i trap myself into every now and then but NEVER like this. This is just time being served. I'm at a job and i put in my two weeks notice but the other job hasn't come through so now my state of being is on hold while some really annoying elevator music keeps playing and i never reach the ground floor so i can get off this damn thing.
I'm not bitter, im just not patient. And im always broke. Other addictions take over my spending habits and since the tank fell of the wagon I've kinda been dragging behind. I pull into the pit stop but there's no one there to tune up my car. It's like not knowing how many laps you have to race, but definitely knowing the tank is on empty.
I seem to be writing more. Or just writing in general, i suppose. I think about so many things and here lately the thoughts have bottle-necked and getting to know my blog space a little better has allowed me to tuck those (these, i suppose) thought to bed with a soft warm blanket and bedtime stories to boot.
I now do this for me, for my therapy. And i feel like a total complete fucking asshole for abandoning all of my friends so many years ago. And it was a dick move! Selfish as I could be. We all have our shining moments but i was really close to you. I lost some of you to drugs, some to religion and hell even some of you are still in that old part of town.
The effort i put fourth is petty at best, and I've made some mistakes and i've made some of the best decisions of my life. But i have got to grow. And i have grown, and changed. I've done a lot of things and not really nothing all at the same time. I feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm in my early twenties. I should be getting drunk at parties or going to a college and finding my career path or something. Instead I just THINK. I'm in a bubble and the only thing to pop it is the needle sitting on the ground beside me..
right outside of the bubble...dammit.
Positives.
For the black there is the white. I guess it would be better to say "for the night there is the day" because the former sounds racist. Aaaaaand humor! Other things are going well. Everyone in my small family unit seems to be doing fine. Things are shifting around in a big way and it's scary and awkward and strange, but in the end it will all be for the better. The lull of the winter i suppose is getting to me when i just see the grey. Things are still vibrant. Music lights my fire and i need to put lyrics and sound in the brownie batter and make some good dessert soon. Financial stability is a must, before anything!
I'm happy and insightful and am learning new schools of thought on the mind, soul and body everyday. You have to feed you soul when it's hungry. I crave the sound of beautiful music more than ever now. Just to drive and let it hit you, you know? Like when you driving down a long ass road for an hour or two, with the environment very nature driven. No other cars on the road and it's about mid-day, leaves falling and the sun is dancing through the trees.
then that perfect song comes on and you just FEEL IT. Nothing else like it. ramblerambleramble.
I've tried once, tried twice and im done.
much love.
"So let go of the sorrowful groaning
Let go of the ones you admire
It's not like I was devious or boastful
My arms waving, I'm saying goodbye
And I will do my best to breathe for you"
- mighty :: manchester orchestra::
I'm not bitter, im just not patient. And im always broke. Other addictions take over my spending habits and since the tank fell of the wagon I've kinda been dragging behind. I pull into the pit stop but there's no one there to tune up my car. It's like not knowing how many laps you have to race, but definitely knowing the tank is on empty.
I seem to be writing more. Or just writing in general, i suppose. I think about so many things and here lately the thoughts have bottle-necked and getting to know my blog space a little better has allowed me to tuck those (these, i suppose) thought to bed with a soft warm blanket and bedtime stories to boot.
I now do this for me, for my therapy. And i feel like a total complete fucking asshole for abandoning all of my friends so many years ago. And it was a dick move! Selfish as I could be. We all have our shining moments but i was really close to you. I lost some of you to drugs, some to religion and hell even some of you are still in that old part of town.
The effort i put fourth is petty at best, and I've made some mistakes and i've made some of the best decisions of my life. But i have got to grow. And i have grown, and changed. I've done a lot of things and not really nothing all at the same time. I feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm in my early twenties. I should be getting drunk at parties or going to a college and finding my career path or something. Instead I just THINK. I'm in a bubble and the only thing to pop it is the needle sitting on the ground beside me..
right outside of the bubble...dammit.
Positives.
For the black there is the white. I guess it would be better to say "for the night there is the day" because the former sounds racist. Aaaaaand humor! Other things are going well. Everyone in my small family unit seems to be doing fine. Things are shifting around in a big way and it's scary and awkward and strange, but in the end it will all be for the better. The lull of the winter i suppose is getting to me when i just see the grey. Things are still vibrant. Music lights my fire and i need to put lyrics and sound in the brownie batter and make some good dessert soon. Financial stability is a must, before anything!
I'm happy and insightful and am learning new schools of thought on the mind, soul and body everyday. You have to feed you soul when it's hungry. I crave the sound of beautiful music more than ever now. Just to drive and let it hit you, you know? Like when you driving down a long ass road for an hour or two, with the environment very nature driven. No other cars on the road and it's about mid-day, leaves falling and the sun is dancing through the trees.
then that perfect song comes on and you just FEEL IT. Nothing else like it. ramblerambleramble.
I've tried once, tried twice and im done.
much love.
"So let go of the sorrowful groaning
Let go of the ones you admire
It's not like I was devious or boastful
My arms waving, I'm saying goodbye
And I will do my best to breathe for you"
- mighty :: manchester orchestra::
The Moon, My Confidant.
Nicotine and alcohol have infiltrated my system and yearn my soul to search for some creative within but find thoughts and left behinds instead. Feeling like a total asshole for not knowing a good bit of my family all too well and having lost a good portion of my great friends. Life keeps changing and new pieces are being stripped away and old layers come to the surface, but are corrupted and incomplete so i add some of the pieces from the new particles that i've gathered up until this point and make a calico texture of being that forces my self out of the puzzle that i thought i fit in so well. But now that im out of it i see that some of the other pieces we're heavily augmented as well. This mkaes me feel less agressive about the situation but doesn't necessarily give me more completion for the picture isn't pretty anymore. Then im saddened at the fact that the whole damn thing was a fabricaton in the first place.
Lies, confusion and pain can make for some fucking beautiful art, though. I especially shouldn't have forgotten about that.
Rearranged and slightly hit with a pound of elatedness, i gather the leaves of fall and put them in a bucket rather than a trash bag, not good to throw all of them away. Even the dead ones have some merrit in the grand scale of things. Inspiration of the drums and guitar hit my core at an incline that restarts a fire in my heart that i didnt know had went out. Still very confused and lost about everything going on i wonder why i feel the need. Attention? Gratitude? helplessness? I have these things moving in my consciousnesses like a stranger in my bedroom reading my journal and taking notes as in to collect the tax of my society and passes through the window, reminding me that he doesn't have to use the door. HE IS ALWAYS HERE.
Truth, lies, aggression, depression, happiness, solitude, completion, wanting, needing, craving, denying.
Refresh, restart, revamp, reset. I have had enough of the complex and need to escape but the walls have no doors and the cieling is open but very high from where i am standing. Again my mind distracts itself with mundane boring everyday and i live in and out of doors that revolve around the universe that is. Just is.
Away in the woods is the little boy who was shifted and moved and toggled and i look in the eyes of the child who stretches many miles ahead of him down the road and i promise him that he will never understand those things and that i will always love him and hold his hand and explain that the clouds are there for the sun as the moon is there for the night.
My angel in remiss has come to the table and we discuss how the brakes in the car stopped working and that repair is inevitable and not optional, so there are no worries. I put my back to hers and remind her that that's where it will alwayls be, holding hers up. We exit unfairly but still, just into the wildness of the world and talk about our analytical codes and how deconstructing them would be a meaningless en devour.
Metals turns to rust but is stil stable enough to hold the structure together until the doctor can repair the lungs. He says you can't breathe without them. i take me chances and drive in the fog anyway. For now i will buy a watch and a chair and wait for the apocalypse to finish the job that i tried to start so arrogantly and sip the sweet nectar's of change that await me outside of the fallout shelter.
I meet a maid named Patience and she says for me to let her clean my house and she will make sure all the books go back on the shelf. They may not be in order, but they wll always be there. i pour another glass and light up the night as the sun creeps up around the corner..
it having no idea of the night the moon and i shared together and dreamed of tomorrow.
Lies, confusion and pain can make for some fucking beautiful art, though. I especially shouldn't have forgotten about that.
Rearranged and slightly hit with a pound of elatedness, i gather the leaves of fall and put them in a bucket rather than a trash bag, not good to throw all of them away. Even the dead ones have some merrit in the grand scale of things. Inspiration of the drums and guitar hit my core at an incline that restarts a fire in my heart that i didnt know had went out. Still very confused and lost about everything going on i wonder why i feel the need. Attention? Gratitude? helplessness? I have these things moving in my consciousnesses like a stranger in my bedroom reading my journal and taking notes as in to collect the tax of my society and passes through the window, reminding me that he doesn't have to use the door. HE IS ALWAYS HERE.
Truth, lies, aggression, depression, happiness, solitude, completion, wanting, needing, craving, denying.
Refresh, restart, revamp, reset. I have had enough of the complex and need to escape but the walls have no doors and the cieling is open but very high from where i am standing. Again my mind distracts itself with mundane boring everyday and i live in and out of doors that revolve around the universe that is. Just is.
Away in the woods is the little boy who was shifted and moved and toggled and i look in the eyes of the child who stretches many miles ahead of him down the road and i promise him that he will never understand those things and that i will always love him and hold his hand and explain that the clouds are there for the sun as the moon is there for the night.
My angel in remiss has come to the table and we discuss how the brakes in the car stopped working and that repair is inevitable and not optional, so there are no worries. I put my back to hers and remind her that that's where it will alwayls be, holding hers up. We exit unfairly but still, just into the wildness of the world and talk about our analytical codes and how deconstructing them would be a meaningless en devour.
Metals turns to rust but is stil stable enough to hold the structure together until the doctor can repair the lungs. He says you can't breathe without them. i take me chances and drive in the fog anyway. For now i will buy a watch and a chair and wait for the apocalypse to finish the job that i tried to start so arrogantly and sip the sweet nectar's of change that await me outside of the fallout shelter.
I meet a maid named Patience and she says for me to let her clean my house and she will make sure all the books go back on the shelf. They may not be in order, but they wll always be there. i pour another glass and light up the night as the sun creeps up around the corner..
it having no idea of the night the moon and i shared together and dreamed of tomorrow.
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