So i write and i write and i write and i smoke and i drink and i think. and all of these things are a vicious little habitual circle that i trap myself into every now and then but NEVER like this. This is just time being served. I'm at a job and i put in my two weeks notice but the other job hasn't come through so now my state of being is on hold while some really annoying elevator music keeps playing and i never reach the ground floor so i can get off this damn thing.
I'm not bitter, im just not patient. And im always broke. Other addictions take over my spending habits and since the tank fell of the wagon I've kinda been dragging behind. I pull into the pit stop but there's no one there to tune up my car. It's like not knowing how many laps you have to race, but definitely knowing the tank is on empty.
I seem to be writing more. Or just writing in general, i suppose. I think about so many things and here lately the thoughts have bottle-necked and getting to know my blog space a little better has allowed me to tuck those (these, i suppose) thought to bed with a soft warm blanket and bedtime stories to boot.
I now do this for me, for my therapy. And i feel like a total complete fucking asshole for abandoning all of my friends so many years ago. And it was a dick move! Selfish as I could be. We all have our shining moments but i was really close to you. I lost some of you to drugs, some to religion and hell even some of you are still in that old part of town.
The effort i put fourth is petty at best, and I've made some mistakes and i've made some of the best decisions of my life. But i have got to grow. And i have grown, and changed. I've done a lot of things and not really nothing all at the same time. I feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm in my early twenties. I should be getting drunk at parties or going to a college and finding my career path or something. Instead I just THINK. I'm in a bubble and the only thing to pop it is the needle sitting on the ground beside me..
right outside of the bubble...dammit.
Positives.
For the black there is the white. I guess it would be better to say "for the night there is the day" because the former sounds racist. Aaaaaand humor! Other things are going well. Everyone in my small family unit seems to be doing fine. Things are shifting around in a big way and it's scary and awkward and strange, but in the end it will all be for the better. The lull of the winter i suppose is getting to me when i just see the grey. Things are still vibrant. Music lights my fire and i need to put lyrics and sound in the brownie batter and make some good dessert soon. Financial stability is a must, before anything!
I'm happy and insightful and am learning new schools of thought on the mind, soul and body everyday. You have to feed you soul when it's hungry. I crave the sound of beautiful music more than ever now. Just to drive and let it hit you, you know? Like when you driving down a long ass road for an hour or two, with the environment very nature driven. No other cars on the road and it's about mid-day, leaves falling and the sun is dancing through the trees.
then that perfect song comes on and you just FEEL IT. Nothing else like it. ramblerambleramble.
I've tried once, tried twice and im done.
much love.
"So let go of the sorrowful groaning
Let go of the ones you admire
It's not like I was devious or boastful
My arms waving, I'm saying goodbye
And I will do my best to breathe for you"
- mighty :: manchester orchestra::
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