Honestly.

I have my most depraved and depressing thoughts every time I lay my head down to go to sleep.

Funny how that works.

Cold Desert

Im too young to feel this old.

Things have changed.
Understatement of my life.

Patience always seems to be the one thing that's testing me. The fastest way to loose something is to want it too badly.

Well i cant help it. Your... i don't know. But i like it. And it scares the shit outta me. But you make me smile so much. A lot :)

Wish things kept going in the natural direction that they were in the beginning. But everything happens for a reason. And anything worth fighting for and worthwhile requires patience and understanding.

Waiting is hard, but im doing it. Just bear with me, i swear im worth it.

...

on another note, i still hate you.
You have simply re-evaluated what i thought was incomprehensible. Hell, i guess it's not even hate. It's actually hard to explain. The venom in my veins for you has faded and turned into a quiet bewilderment. I find it astonishing how you can know someone for four years and then BAM! Like they never existed. Like a snake shedding off its old skin.I cant even find the right metaphor for it.

It's a world i'll never understand. Wouldn't want too.

Moving on.

...

And my son. My perfect child. I swear to god on this earth and everything in my soul that i will fight for you until the day i die. Your happiness and upbringing is my main priority. Your everything to me and i don't regret a single day that has passed since the day you came into this world. You will be loved.

...

As for me, i don't know. I'm constantly rebuilding myself. Ever changing, evolving. Trying to keep hope and stay strong. Trying not to get in my thoughts too much. It can be a sensory escape to the growth of my soul, or the pure torture of thought cycles that never end. It's not fun doing this alone anymore. I grow tired.

Can't give up.
Much love, internet strangers and fellows.

title

Well, loneliness is settling in.
I dropped my friends a good three years ago to give my life to someone, and now that that someone is cut out of the frame, i have no one to return to.

Cant blame them, and i don't. Im not bitter about it at all. I just miss them all, as sure as they missed me, then resented me after being ignored for so long by me. I didn't want two, but my life was overtaken and boxed up and put in a closet.

I do sincerely apologize to all of you. I hope to make it up one day.

And if not, then sadly so be it. Im unfortunetely great at being alone.

..just gotta stay away from that bottle.


outofit.

Sincerely, Fuck You.

That's about it.
Fuck you, fuck you. Aaaaaaaand fuck you.

hmm..

Wait...

Oh yeah, FUCK YOU.










That will be all.

Ah, wait the hell..


:)

stupid metaphor poem number 3?

fuck.

im just going to let it all spill out on the carpet that's dirty anyway, so no big deal.

well i finally fell down and cast all the crowns that were never on my head in the first place into the void. im empty. the staircase is long and the number of stairs is too much to think about right now. im not thirsty. im not hungry. thought escapes me and i descend into myself and find a stranger that never left the building and he is sad and small and confused. he had everything figured out and the last thing he remembered was the hope and joy of all the things that were happening in his life before the train came through the tunnel and made everything go white. it was bliss and he disappeared into it.

now this new stranger moves into his carcass and sees the pages that were written and tries to keep the story going. but his pen is new and he has no experience in this genre of books. so he writes what he thinks will best fit the chapter. but freelancing isn't a guaranteed job and only pays well when the season calls for it. Time passes on and the book gets full, with lots of filler but plot points that are very promising for a good story.

The book has it's emotional highs and lows, character development and story arcs that would keep any reader addicted. things take a turn for the better and the reader enjoys all of these things but realizes that the story is kind of dull with no suspense. the writer is confused by the reader not wanting anymore of the good things and realizes he will have to pay for those chapters that were lacking brevity and with no audience, writers block takes it's toll.

No longer serving any purpose, the new embodiment decomposes and eventually breaks, leaving the vessel once empty again. The stranger that once was wakes from his coma to find what had become of his story. Confused and discombobulated, he slowly examines all of these things that are good and bad. A decision is made that everything is what it was supposed to be and that the story must go on. This time asleep has gotten him well rested and prepared to continue this book and make sure it is seen until the end.

It will take some time in order the rewrite and edit all of the fuzzy and messy parts, and refine and tune all of the beautiful and vibrant moments, until the story is linear and all set to go for a new audience to turn the cover and discuss all of their favorite parts at an overpriced coffee shop at mid day.

it doesn't have to make sense to still have meaning.

i turn my thoughts into strange little poems. sometimes they're about life.
sometimes they're about potatoes.

illusion. or just saying it for today.

It's amazing how many moods you can be in in one day.

I miss being distracted. I'm the deer that never gets caught in the headlights. Fully aware of his surroundings. Deer are beautiful animals. I need something to do.

I find that no matter what most things that i want to do, even the simplest of things, are held back by a lack of twenty dollars.

I miss when i was fifteen and the internet was a never ending stream of new information. Now i get bored after checking social networks and watching a few youtube videos.

I would love to skate right now. Or just drive somewhere. No destination. But without coin, i can only dream and type these things out.

I honestly hate video gamers. Sorry, but go the fuck outside and stop paying $60 for a disc. No offense to any of my gamer friends, but fuck. Come on.

I think im going to die of a brain aneurysm or stroke. Something random like that. I cracked my skull once and things haven't been the same. Not for the better or worse, though.

Here's some romantic shit i came up with a couple of months ago:

" A bad man will cross a woman's line.
A good man will wait for permission.
A great man will make her forget why
there was a line to begin with."
- Corey Copeland

CHEESY HALLMARK SHIT.

Just came to me one day.

I think i'll have a glass of wine and call it a day.

Stay classy, San Diego.




..i'm Ron Burgundy?

Well if it isn't a ramble..

So i write and i write and i write and i smoke and i drink and i think. and all of these things are a vicious little habitual circle that i trap myself into every now and then but NEVER like this. This is just time being served. I'm at a job and i put in my two weeks notice but the other job hasn't come through so now my state of being is on hold while some really annoying elevator music keeps playing and i never reach the ground floor so i can get off this damn thing.

I'm not bitter, im just not patient. And im always broke. Other addictions take over my spending habits and since the tank fell of the wagon I've kinda been dragging behind. I pull into the pit stop but there's no one there to tune up my car. It's like not knowing how many laps you have to race, but definitely knowing the tank is on empty.

I seem to be writing more. Or just writing in general, i suppose. I think about so many things and here lately the thoughts have bottle-necked and getting to know my blog space a little better has allowed me to tuck those (these, i suppose) thought to bed with a soft warm blanket and bedtime stories to boot.

I now do this for me, for my therapy. And i feel like a total complete fucking asshole for abandoning all of my friends so many years ago. And it was a dick move! Selfish as I could be. We all have our shining moments but i was really close to you. I lost some of you to drugs, some to religion and hell even some of you are still in that old part of town.

The effort i put fourth is petty at best, and I've made some mistakes and i've made some of the best decisions of my life. But i have got to grow. And i have grown, and changed. I've done a lot of things and not really nothing all at the same time. I feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm in my early twenties. I should be getting drunk at parties or going to a college and finding my career path or something. Instead I just THINK. I'm in a bubble and the only thing to pop it is the needle sitting on the ground beside me..

right outside of the bubble...dammit.

Positives.

For the black there is the white. I guess it would be better to say "for the night there is the day" because the former sounds racist. Aaaaaand humor! Other things are going well. Everyone in my small family unit seems to be doing fine. Things are shifting around in a big way and it's scary and awkward and strange, but in the end it will all be for the better. The lull of the winter i suppose is getting to me when i just see the grey. Things are still vibrant. Music lights my fire and i need to put lyrics and sound in the brownie batter and make some good dessert soon. Financial stability is a must, before anything!

I'm happy and insightful and am learning new schools of thought on the mind, soul and body everyday. You have to feed you soul when it's hungry. I crave the sound of beautiful music more than ever now. Just to drive and let it hit you, you know? Like when you driving down a long ass road for an hour or two, with the environment very nature driven. No other cars on the road and it's about mid-day, leaves falling and the sun is dancing through the trees.
then that perfect song comes on and you just FEEL IT. Nothing else like it. ramblerambleramble.

I've tried once, tried twice and im done.

much love.


"So let go of the sorrowful groaning
Let go of the ones you admire
It's not like I was devious or boastful
My arms waving, I'm saying goodbye
And I will do my best to breathe for you"

- mighty :: manchester orchestra::